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Da Funniest Jokes u got

Posted by Lizzie on April 13, 2007, 12:19:55 AM(Read 388 times)
Mommy Almost Died


Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."

Replies

1 2 3 [4]
missymom (609 Posts) wrote
Reply #61 on: April 13, 2007, 05:06:39 PM
lmfao.......lol
Lizzie (689 Posts) wrote
Reply #62 on: April 15, 2007, 07:00:29 PM
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
lilnaomi (31 Posts) wrote
Reply #63 on: May 04, 2007, 04:34:52 PM
Quote from: Kofoworola on April 15, 2007, 07:00:29 PM
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


lmaoooooooo hahahaha see insult
Lizzie (689 Posts) wrote
Reply #64 on: May 31, 2007, 01:22:19 AM
big time inult, but t'wasn't d man's fault now..lol


A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
Remilekun (136 Posts) wrote
Reply #65 on: July 10, 2007, 02:20:31 PM
A British man breezed into the country and got
into a taxi. the following dialogue ensured
between him and the taxi driver
Briton: Is it true that Nigerians always answer
          questions with questions?
Driver: Who told you that?
missymom (609 Posts) wrote
Reply #66 on: July 11, 2007, 05:04:12 AM
lol, i think he got his answer
Remilekun (136 Posts) wrote
Reply #67 on: July 13, 2007, 11:34:57 AM
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.
"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up.
A man elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am a Revenue officer," gasped the man.
"In that case," said the first man, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the other man's hand and was hauled to safety. He turned to the amazed bystanders and declared, "Never ask a tax man to GIVE you anything, you fools!"
missymom (609 Posts) wrote
Reply #68 on: July 18, 2007, 01:00:02 AM
lol.....didn't get it at 1st......lmaooo
Remilekun (136 Posts) wrote
Reply #69 on: July 27, 2007, 08:46:05 PM
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
asada (50 Posts) wrote
Reply #70 on: July 28, 2007, 06:46:20 PM
                                         STUPID THIEF
          Three guys went robbing,in the course of it the police got a wind of it and stomped the house .Luckyly,the robbers got away but unluckyly these cops could run.
          So one thief dove into the nearby shrubs,one into the trash can and my guy the last one climbed up a tree.The cops started prodding things and trust no battery in their torchlights.A noise alerted the cops from the shrubs so they went searching and shouting "WHO GOES THERE?"but the thief started bleating,"sheor!!!, grass go kill u" one cop said and they started going back but the trash can shook,'WHO GOES THERE?"
           This thief started going off like a cock and clucking at the same time,"For night again chicken dey bala" and started retreating.Not wanting to miss from the fun my guy the last thief shook some leaf in the tree above.The cops shouted "WHO GOES... and the guy in the tree said "meow-meow its me, the cat".
             So in all only my guy was caught before he could open his mouth to snitch he was killed.R.I.P to him and Mugu was his surname.
masarogee (2 Posts) wrote
Reply #71 on: August 01, 2007, 04:58:02 AM
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during
the flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor.

Here are some 'actual' maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots
and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Lizzie (689 Posts) wrote
Reply #72 on: November 07, 2007, 02:07:46 PM
Lol..... the plane is finished
efjaysharon (37 Posts) wrote
Reply #73 on: November 29, 2007, 02:14:11 PM
Now.. why would u go n say something like that?
funny though...

Quote from: ebunlomo on November 05, 2006, 09:42:00 PM
Hi, I hope this makes you laugh, no hard feelings to my Ibo brothers oo! i tap this from somewhere

HALLA back n tell me how u fell about the joke . Do have a beautiful week this Ibo People Sef! A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other monguls and wealthy men were present. The Ibo businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering. Just for that foolish reason, he sent for his driver and had this conversation with him: "Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one. Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island. Not the one in Adeola Odeku str, the one on Etim Iyang Crescent. Not No 22, but No 11. It is a black gate you will see, fling it open. You will see a green Honda Civic. Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one. Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda 929. It is not that one. The Mazda is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV. That makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep. On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class, very close to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool is a lovely S. Type Jaguar. Don't touch the bonnet. Go to the boot, fling it open. You will see red, white and blue briefcases. The red one contains dollars, 10 million dollars. Don't touch it. The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds. Don't touch it. The white one contains Naira, 500s, 200s, 100s, 50s, 20s, 10s denominations. I arranged them in hierarchical order. 500 Nairas in first layer, 200 Nairas in second, 100 Nairas 3rd layer, 50 Nairas 4th layer, 20 Nairas 5th and 10 Nairas top floor. Take one 10 Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't forget to bring my change!"
efjaysharon (37 Posts) wrote
Reply #74 on: November 29, 2007, 02:29:15 PM
cant stop laughin...

Quote from: Moses on August 01, 2007, 04:58:02 AM
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during
the flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor.

Here are some 'actual' maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots
and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


Remilekun (136 Posts) wrote
Reply #75 on: January 23, 2008, 10:21:46 AM
A PRETTY GIRL WENT TO CHURCH, TO MAKE A CONFESION TO A PRIEST, WHEN SHE GOT THERE; THE PRIEST ASKED HER WHAT THE MATTER IS. SHE REPLIED AND SAID: SIR MY BOYFRIEND DID SOMETHING BAD TO ME. THE PASTOR NOW KISSED HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO YOU SHE SAID NO, HE HUGGED HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO YOU SHE SAID NO, HE NOW PULLED OFF HER CLOTH AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO YOU, SHE SAID NO, HE NOW MADE LOVE TO HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO YOU? SHE SAID NO, THEN HE NOW SAID WHAT IS THE THING HE DID THAT IS MAKING YOU TO BE CRYING, THEN THE GIRL SAID HE GAVE ME AIDS, THE PASTOR THEN FAINTED.
abolade21 (8 Posts) wrote
Reply #76 on: January 27, 2008, 07:37:30 PM
lol
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